Sunday, January 27, 2008



I goofed.

I was trying to hide.

I ended up frustrated.


I self-talked.

I was trying to explain.

I found myself defensive.

I wanted to hide my face or withdraw from the crowd.
If i could only disappear instantly.
Waaaaaa right up to this moment... I am concerned with what and who i am. It is sad.
I have confided already. I cried to God too already. I shall be better.

I saw him. He said, "hi." It made me glad. It felt good.
I sat at the piano. I said, "Oh no... nyay". I crouched within. It felt uneasy.

He said, "thank you." I could not look straight in the eyes.
I perspired a lot. I bowed my head and said, "oh.. sorry..sorry.. sobra ito.."

I felt a sudden collapse.
No more. I won't be seeing him anymore.
I am a coward.

too many mistakes..........................

I wanted to be good in his eyes.

I wanted to please him with that short performance.

I have sinned against God.
Will He allow us to meet again?

I have never felt such drawnness. I won't let go of that special memory.
strange and apart.
unknown forever.

Likewise, ivories do tarnish.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


"Oh Danny boy.."

Yesterday was completely different from what i've expected. I feared yesterday.

It's like, "oh it's time.. recharge your batteries". "This could not be happening.", I told myself. It's been two years. I have been seeing these young people, no less than my pupils for 22 and a half months. Now, I just would like to understand how come it has become burdensome (it seems :s) these past few months. Have i changed? For sure, yes!

So what was i saying? Yes about yesterday, it was different. God, my faithful Encourager never fails no matter how many times i have disobeyed. Amazingly, it wasn't bad and frustrating. It was rather cool and happy. I struggled with chest pain and hoarse voice in these classes -------> 4, 5, and 6 though;). I came to see and check the pulse.. whether or not the 2nd year class is still interested in choral singing (hmm.. maybe? hehe) Even if i haven't figured that out successfully yet(i mean during that time), i think it's plain and simple as saying, okay.. curiousity-driven? nyay! I used to take evaluation from the students in the middle of the semester, but it seemed useless yesterday. hehe, just kidding.

"How come it has become tiring?" is an anxiety. It still occupies a huge space in my left brain. At an instant, i was speechless. I thought about this: IQ vs EQ. So what about that? I am planning to leave teaching because I have felt so very incompetent. Therefore, i plan to take units and go onto further studies. On the other hand, I think about this student, Danny. I have always admired his simple ways to cheer the class up. It is so unique. Perhaps i am wrong because he is not happy. How will I explain this.. happy with going to school, doing arts, solving math problems, telling history, so many others.. yes he is i think happy to do these things. However, what made me think about "he being unhappy" was this:

A week ago in Art class, I had this idea of asking the students to participate in grading their art works, particulary Crafts-making. So I announced it ahead. It seemed cool. They were in fact hyper-excited hehehe! so i kept their works until yesterday, which is the Big Day! It's time to grade! Some were proud. Others crouched in shame. I grouped them into three. Each group has to give a grade for every big envelope (personalized craft). In other words, they would grade individually. So when i thought it's somewhat different yet fair because i still have my percentage in balance with it, i saw Danny. His face was not at all blank. It's as if he was trying to explain something to me but only through our minds. And then I heard a couple of "nyaaaa...waaaa, that's Danny's? hahahah!" It was like the class was having a votation... I did not notice it at first. All I thought was the class was just being noisy and restless, until the grading was over. It's good to know everyone participated even Danny. All of a sudden, he stood up. Well others did too so I thought it was nothing. He stood up and behind the curtains. I realised he wasn't standing to ask something, he was hiding. I can see he was sad.

I called him and asked why.. He said these words, " 'cher(short for teacher), just clearing my mind.." In my entire life and for two years in classroom teaching, maybe 4 years in Choral teaching, i have been speaking in front of many people of different age levels, this was the first time that I heard a boy (10 years of age) speaking about 'clearing his mind'. What was that supposed to mean? Did it make me curious? Yes it did. I asked why.. what do you mean, Danny? While others were conferring with each other, I had a brief talk with Danny. He said, "teacher, ever since we were grade 1, they were like that to me. 'pag po naglalaro kame tapos aku ang taya..burot palagi.. Si Arvin po nagsisimula.." And then one student (maybe he was eavesdropping) butted in, "teacher, palagi nilang ginaganun si Danny". I knew this was something. Danny, who is in fact a very smart kid, very good at writing as well as reasoning, is struggling with feelings of being denied or rejected or being laughed at always. That moment i was broken.

I could not focus so i wrote a note to Danny. It was a short letter of encouragement. I told him that "clearing his mind" is good but being able to communicate/express your feelings or thoughts with them is a lot better. Further, i told him that in the end what matters most is the attitude born out of the experience; that he is more blessed precisely because the experience has taught him to become more patient and grateful for little things. I encouraged him with such words as "Stay precious because God loves you..and so do we." It was already time when i finished writing the note. The class was all the more restless. I bade goodbye and handed the note to Danny. I did not have any second thoughts even if the other students saw it. I really felt the need to reach out to that boy.

I have loved his comics. He makes many. I have embraced those by borrowing them during lunch breaks and returning all before his last period. He is a born artist. He doesn't need to say it, it shows.

In the middle of my travel back home, i asked myself.. must i really leave? I told myself, 'that boy.. I will miss him for sure." Parang sapat na ang isang tao para mag-stay ako.. " I'm glad it is Danny.

I put my trust in the Lord. However things change, I will never forget that precious little Danny Boy.^_^

Sunday, January 20, 2008

NO? Yes!

YES i know when to say "NO", yes i know?!

I've been suffering from chest and back pains for 4 days now. I wonder why. Posture-related? a biiiiig YES! No wait, i'm bothered by dry cough too these days. So whenever sitting or standing, even sleeping, I'm having chest pains and hard cough. Hmm..

Succumbing to OLD and BAD habits solves my problem... (please paraphrase it. hehe)

I mean (the root of all these) at least this is what i see as i analyze it..
  • posture-check (is quasimodo a 24-yo man?)

  • rising bell and lights off (intertwined..hehe, been rarely aware of it..nah, hardheaded)


  • tv(cfpr) but i spend only 1 hour a day (obey first before I compain)

  • UNhealthy diet (but i just pledged to be a part-time vegetarian..^_-)

  • Exercise! (waiwaiwait... i jog.. i do jogging... IN PLACE) i stay in place but at least it's the same as brisk walking...whaaaaaaaat? hahaha i haven't slept ;p

  • My daily quiet time (it's been a loooooooooong time, sad really)

I takevitamins, I dochores, I cherishmusic, I amhappy.

i wonder why still. i wait in stillness.
If you hear HIS voice, HARDEN NOT YOUR HEART.

Friday, January 18, 2008



F e BRuary


AP -ril



J u L Y






Year 2008. so grateful for you, guys..

  • 3 pens: brown, green, black

  • nini

  • "it" against the wall.. ^_^

  • stripes and socks

  • journal, journal, and journal

  • triple-colored aniks

  • Valley of Vision

  • Ernie (spring wall-tz, hehe)

  • glassesmentos

  • My Bible

  • Ichtus

  • teddy bank(of the island)hehe


Rubics Cube (loveet!)


"Palm Lessons" grew out of her daily vision to touch life with sincerity. God, the sole Giver of life has held his servant, and will forever hold her in the palm of His hand.
That's G R A C E.

The outdoors seem pleasant. If I walk a little bit
more, it'll surely take me to the frivolity of overusing the "I".
Drawn closer.

In a few minutes, I will likely have more time with real buddies who stayed with me happily all these years. I shook my head and started counting the years. It seems golden.

Tomorrow may just like be another day. Realistically, it is. Still, I seek a different perspective, something that cannot be robbed of me forever. Unique and lasting.

I kneel to You, bring me to Your palm. That in this life, may I be able to embrace with genuine compassion those who are lost in the middle of the tension, and neglect. Thus, feel secure in Thy palm.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Seven times better..

.. i have just recovered from a serious "block-out" so to speak, a complete repair of myself from what i have embraced for years is indescribable...

As far as i am concerned, i took every part of it essential to my walk as a bondservant. Have i forsaken the truth? For many many years, yes. i think so. I desire transformation and the process I went and go through still. I like these times more than ever. Over and under, above and beneath, in spite and despite, oh i lost it! ^_^ draft this one.

Real time. Like in music, it's when you are able to submit to the principles and still be able to shower creativity. (sorry, it's freestyle) Nothing compares to the beginning of every endeavor. It dawned on me that the reward smiles at the "during". take note: the ending is much more similar to the beginning. If i have the chance, i would let you know my 'going-throughs'. The process is never out of reach. Know this that it is not as detailed as you expect it to be. On the other hand, it is making this blog real to you and your experience. Never here to feed you but to seek the listener in you, and that is more than what psychology can offer.

Gratefully, i'm born again. I have a Father who is more than this blog can write about. I am pretty sure He hears and listens. He sees and blesses. He loves and desires. He gives and forgives.

Do what is pleasing to HIM, the Father of all things. The One who said, I AM WHO I AM.

So while I love music and writing, I give my life and all rather to the GIVER.

Cherish the day. You are blessed..and LOVED!

beginning anew..